My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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