We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
