he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
