Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize