He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
