I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
