I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize