just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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