Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
