she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
