I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
