matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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