sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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