If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize