My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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