I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
