I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize