I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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