just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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