I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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