Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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