I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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