dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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