I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
