the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
