Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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