The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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