grandma shit on top of the toilet
sarcasm needs its own font
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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