I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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