He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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