I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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