How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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