nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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