I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
