and next time when you feel me up, do it right
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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