Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
