I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm getting married
To pizza
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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