Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
