dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
