Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
