My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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