Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
