I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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