I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
