Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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