i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I will be naked everywhere
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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