i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
