Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
