between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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