i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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