She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
