woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
