You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
