I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
