I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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