Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
