Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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