I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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