Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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