these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
