I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
