I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
