OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
