There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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