i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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