How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
