Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
