I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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